Things I'll never understand

Sorry...I HAVE t get better about updating this. My bad. Anyway, here's my column from this week.

It’s finally happened: I’ve run out of interesting things to say. I didn’t do anything very stimulating last weekend, nor did I stumble across any intriguing dilemmas throughout the week. My bank of useless knowledge has been tapped out, and I don’t much feel like boring you with a few childhood memories.

Instead, I’ve come up with a new list of random thoughts. If successful, I might make this an annual event. It’s called: “25 things I’ll never understand.” It’s dedicated to the failure of all the teachers, my parents, family and friends who may have attempted to teach me these things. And these are in no particular order.

1. Matrices in Algebra II. Sorry Mrs. Lins, it went right over my head.
2. The Kreb’s Cycle.
3. Why the gas price in Medford is $3.03, in Abbotsford it’s $3.05-3.07, and in Athens it’s $3.11.
4. Free verse poetry.
5.HTML computer language. Dreamweaver, however, I do get for the most part.
6. The Monty Python movies. A history teacher, my sister and a former co-worker tried to teach me about those, first with The Holy Grail, then with The Life of Brian. I still don’t find them that funny.
7.Nose and tongue piercings. Seriously, how do you eat spaghetti with a bar through your tongue?
8. Why storm clouds come rolling in, then break up before it can give our poor corn a drink.
9. Calculus.
10. How to get little boys to go to sleep at night.
11. Knitting. My mom tried to teach me once, but being a lefty, I failed at it miserably.
12. Cricket.
13. Risk (the board game). My sisters tried to teach me that one, and I did learn the rules, I think. I just don’t get how people enjoy it.
13. The book, Don Quixote. I attempted to read it for a world history project when I was a junior in high school. Don’t tell Mr. Kettner, but I ended up relying mostly on cliff notes.
14. How to politely tell a person they have something stuck in their teeth.
15. How to get a man to do the dishes or laundry without bribing them.
16. Nuclear fusion.
17. Feminists.
18. Why I can never find pants in “tall” at any store I go to.
19. How to tell my left from my right without needing to think about it.
20. Bar codes. You’d think they would run out of different ones after a while.
21. European comedy in general.
22. Star Trek.
23. Murphy’s laws. Who is this Murphy and why is he such a pessimist?
24. Keno.
25. Why people are so amused by waiting for a barrel to fall through the ice on a pond.

Sorry about that. Next week I should have something interesting to tell you about. I’m heading to the Nelson Zoo for the weekend.